It’s been a while since I’ve written about TTC. Well, that’s because I’m in the dreaded two-week wait. Dun-dun-dun! There is never anything to say about this wait other than it’s a wait.
(Except that you know me. I can write for days!)
I find myself less preoccupied with it this time around, though. One is that I traveled to see my family during the first week—though there were many mentions of babies on this trip, there wasn’t much to talk about with anyone and I was distracted by shopping! Fabulous shopping! In real life, besides my husband and a few select friends, my sister is the only family member who knows we’re trying to conceive. And while she wishes me luck every month, she’s very discreet and rarely brings it up. I do appreciate that.
Two is the interview excitement. I have a phone interview set up for today. I played phone tag with the other place that wants to interview me face-to-face; as frustrating as it was, I forced myself to retain a veneer of calm since I knew of no place that would rescind an interview offer based on phone tag. And once I did make contact, it was clear that they’re taking me quite seriously. I’m trying to brush up on these two places, and work to make myself somewhat charming. That takes a lot of attention because, as you know, I’m far from charming.
A third thing is that I’m not looking for signs in this wait. Sometimes I’m all, “Oh, this is happening! Must mean I’m pregnant.” Or, “Oh, wow, this hasn’t happened EVER BEFORE. PREG.NANT!” Honest and for true, don’t care at the moment. My body’s doing what it’s going to do. Either an embryo is adhering to my uterine wall or not in these days. Either I’ll get my period next week or I won’t. The husband asked me if we were still in play, which made me chuckle. I said yes, but that I wasn’t looking for signs this time around. Most pressing to me is seeing if these two career opportunities lead to anything fruitful and (hopefully) fulfilling. In other words, I’m too distracted to sign-hunt.
(And not being on Fertility Friend, which has an early pregnancy signs analyzer [really], makes it so much easier to not get swept up in the minute details that usually mean nada.)
That’s not to say I won’t be disappointed when the spotting starts or the test comes back negative. But I know I’ll survive, and I have a lot of other things that are requiring my attention and energy.
When I was interviewing for my present job, I told a friend that, while I wanted the gig (it seemed good then, okay!?), I would rather have a happy, healthy pregnancy. I joked that it would give me the excuse to act like a mega-bitch at my old job and blame it on the pregnancy. That didn’t come to pass.
However, it’s not the attitude I’m taking this time around. Now, in a way I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before, I want to find a job that I can throw myself into, that I can really care about. I want a job that makes me want to say, when I do get pregnant, “Well, hell. I’d planned to stay home a year, but … this is too good. I love it too much, I need to go back.” And in the time between the positive test and maternity leave, I’d kick all kinds of ass. The two jobs I’m interviewing for are jobs in which I’d be making a difference, writing about important topics, and getting people interested in what those organizations do. As opposed to glamorizing the company itself (which is what I’m charged with doing now that they’re going out of business), I’d be helping people better their lives.
I really, really want that, as badly as I want a child.
That felt good to write. It felt even better to mean it. It’s almost a revelation, that it’s okay to want both things.
And even if it’s not one of these two things, I do think something good is right around the corner thanks to my nonstop applying.
The message of “Don’t leave before you leave” really hit me when I read Lean In. As corny as it sounds, this job search is me trying to answer the question of what I would do if I weren’t afraid. If I weren’t afraid, I’d write fantastic copy that inspired people and saved lives. I’d lead a team that did this well. I’d teach my future kid(s) the power of the pen. I wouldn’t feel beholden to a place because it demanded loyalty; I’d feel connected to place because it inspired my loyalty. I wouldn’t feel petrified at the idea of rocking the boat and suggesting changes. I would appreciate my career and what it is that I do.
So, two-week wait, you’ve got nothing on me this time around. Do your worst (period); do your best (pregnancy). I’ll just nod and accept whatever it is you bring my way.