I don’t usually trash posts, but I felt it was necessary to do so in last night’s case. It was spur of the moment, unfair and stupid. Even at 35, I have moments like those.
While this blog is a way for me to work out the things going on in my life right now, considered posts are the way to go, not impulse posts.
(That’s what Twitter’s for, after all.)
I would very much like to get past the point where I think everything’s going wrong. With my career, I’m trying hard to make things happen, and they’re happening. Not as fast as I would like them to, but they’re happening. After all, I now have two interviews next week as the place I did a phone interview with wants to talk to me again. It’s another phone interview, which I would usually consider a waste of my time. However, I owe it to myself to explore all possibilities, I think. When we’re talking in-person, then I’ll reassess. And while my volunteering is supposed to boost my career, I may consider stepping away because it’s taking too much time, is interfering too much with home life (as you could’ve figured out, the husband volunteers, too), and I’m disappointed that I’ve been doing it for two years and it’s gone nowhere.
As for the baby thing, there’s only so much I can do on that front. While I took a relaxed approach this cycle, there’s no denying that the two-week wait is an ass of the largest magnitude, particularly when your body changes things up on you after a half-year of predictability. As of right now, last night’s spotting was very little and has stopped, and the spotting was different than usual, too (no details, because eww—and I totally feel like I’m trying to find signs and portents by writing that). So, body, thanks for messing with my head. I’m half-tempted to test because I have so many HPTs (hey, I had to spend out the FSA from my last job somehow), but I don’t know that I need to see a stark white window. I just hope to hell my period cramps on Monday aren’t so bad that I’m fighting pain through an interview (being off birth control is not fun when it comes to cramps of all varieties—why did no one tell me that ovulation pain was such a beast?).
For writing, with my class starting on Monday, I’m hoping some ambition and discipline will descend onto me. I know I need to make that effort, but it’s been taking a backseat for a long time now. Particularly with the job and baby thing, it’s importance in this unholy triumvirate is less (think of it as Lepidus as not depicted on Rome) right now. I have to decide that it’s as important as this blog would make it seem.
And my poor husband, trying to help me through all of this. I’m just frustrating the hell out of him, I know. He would very much like to solve it for me, and sometimes tries. That’s, I think, where we butt heads. I know I’m the only one who can figure these things out. His advice is great, but I’m still not able to apply it in a way that works for me.
So, apologies for the snotty post last night. I’m hoping it doesn’t happen again.
P.S. Do not do an image search for “retracted” unless you’re interested in surgical pictures.