Today I’m at 12DPO. Started spotting at 10DPO. And strangely …
This is the first time in months I’m not upset about it.
Oh, sure. I was a little bummed when I started spotting on Monday night. When you’re trying to have a kid, any tell-tale sign that it ain’t happening is quite the hope killer. But my hopes weren’t up that high this cycle, anyway—our timing was terrible. I was upset about that at that time, but now, not so much.
I figure it’s a couple of things. One is that we have our RE appointment set. So although we’re not going to have a kid ~35ish weeks from now, we are going to do the initial tests and see where to go from there. It’s nice to have that pending action on the table, and it’s nice to know I’ll someone to ask questions of in less than two weeks. The other is that I’m going to start my new job come early January; while I can’t control a pregnancy and have to let the fates find their way, maybe it’s not ideal timing just yet (echoing what Erocha said in one of her last posts). Maybe I need to spend some time building up my knowledge and reputation there. If we do need to engage in some form of treatment, throwing myself into a new job will allow me to focus my energies while we do so.
Depending on how my current bosses react to my giving notice, I will either have a month or a month-and-a-half off until my next job starts. I have a lot of plans for what to do with that time; besides the visit to the RE, none of them really involve baby-making. I plan on getting back into an exercise routine; I want to read more (and give y’all some book reviews!); I’ve offered to volunteer at a local nonprofit; I need to shop for the family we adopted for the holidays; I want to work on my book; we’ll be visiting my family; I want to experiment with the slow cooker my mom gave us when we visited them last in August. There is lots to do, and I’m really happy I’ll have time to do it!
Before we make this kid, I think it’ll be good for me to get back to a better space about myself. I generally like me—I can be super snarky, incredibly pessimistic, and sometimes too judge-y—but if you met me in person, you’d know I’m pretty shy and am usually considered really sweet (heh, I know!). Deep inside, I know I have the power to make good things happen. I know I love my family to bits and pieces and would do anything for them. Same goes for my close friends. I’m really lucky in that my husband makes me a better person.
Because I’m tired of being an Eeyore, I’d like to add “positive” to that list of descriptors.