With an unexplained diagnosis, I’m feeling ambivalent about TTC in general. I don’t know how I’ll feel in future cycles (this month is an automatic bust given work travel), but the idea that we maybe can’t ever know what’s wrong and will have to blindly throw darts at an unknown target has me feeling both fatigued and resolved. Fatigued at the idea of months of treatment ahead of us; resolved in that part of me is starting to accept that these might all be failures and I’ll never be pregnant.
Think that’s dramatic? Meh, fine, entertain your own opinion. I think it’s practical given my reading and what I see about unexplained couples. And what I see about lots of unexplained couples is that IVF is what brought them success.
You know how I feel about that.
Because we’re feeling less confident in our fertility clinic, we’re doing our due diligence and getting a second opinion. This may seem like a step backward, but I’ll be going to a new OBGYN who also treats infertility. I actually don’t have an OBGYN; I need one for my health in general and for the possibility that he/she may have to deliver a kid (see, I’m not completely despondent). I’m hopeful the OBGYN will take the totality of my gynecological history into account; I’m tired of my concerns about my spotting and short/light periods being dismissed without an explanation (seriously, I just need something more than “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about”). Maybe he/she will have us try medicated cycles for shits and giggles (our RE wasn’t amenable to doing that). If he/she concurs with our RE’s opinion, though, we’ll be having more discussions.
Bottom line is this: I’m still teasing it out, but I seem to have a serious problem with the idea of conceiving with more invasive reproductive procedures. I’ll need to do more writing and thinking before I can coherently say why I don’t want to go down this route. I have an inkling that it has more to do with deeply ingrained cultural expectations and beliefs about what my body should be able to do rather than anything grounded in science or logic. (It’s definitely not an ethical or religious objection — I was bitchy last post, but I mean it when I say that family building is a deeply personal thing, and I am thrilled whenever a couple is able to have the children they so want. I just don’t know if another couple’s way of building a family is going to be for us.)
In the meantime, I’m dealing with a little something else in the medical realm: pityriasis rosea (Google it at home). This lovely rash has unknown causes (what is it with me and unknown causes?), is generally harmless, and will go away on its own in six to eight weeks. But it’s horribly itchy and very ugly. The herald patch appeared on my stomach probably around late February (I had no idea what it was); just last Thursday I had the follow-up outbreak of smaller patches on my chest, stomach, arms, and thighs that are driving me to distraction. I will note that it’s apparently dangerous to pregnant women, causing miscarriages and premature deliveries. I posited to my husband that perhaps I was pregnant last week and the rash caused me to miscarry given that I didn’t spot and wasn’t on progesterone. After a beat, he very seriously told me it was possible. I’m not entertaining the thought since it’s a stupid one (the wasted HPT on Friday was stark white), but this rash needs to go away just in case Lady Luck graces us with her presence in the near future. Having cycle 14 off gives us a bit more time for this to clear up, too.
I hope to get back to posts that aren’t focused on TTC. Let’s be honest: you’re tired of it. I’m tired of it. I’d much rather be talking about writing, running, or reading (if I actually put any effort into reading these days, that is).