So Where Do We Go from Here?

With an unexplained diagnosis, I’m feeling ambivalent about TTC in general. I don’t know how I’ll feel in future cycles (this month is an automatic bust given work travel), but the idea that we maybe can’t ever know what’s wrong and will have to blindly throw darts at an unknown target has me feeling both fatigued and resolved. Fatigued at the idea of months of treatment ahead of us; resolved in that part of me is starting to accept that these might all be failures and I’ll never be pregnant.

Think that’s dramatic? Meh, fine, entertain your own opinion. I think it’s practical given my reading and what I see about unexplained couples. And what I see about lots of unexplained couples is that IVF is what brought them success.

You know how I feel about that.

Because we’re feeling less confident in our fertility clinic, we’re doing our due diligence and getting a second opinion. This may seem like a step backward, but I’ll be going to a new OBGYN who also treats infertility. I actually don’t have an OBGYN; I need one for my health in general and for the possibility that he/she may have to deliver a kid (see, I’m not completely despondent). I’m hopeful the OBGYN will take the totality of my gynecological history into account; I’m tired of my concerns about my spotting and short/light periods being dismissed without an explanation (seriously, I just need something more than “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about”). Maybe he/she will have us try medicated cycles for shits and giggles (our RE wasn’t amenable to doing that). If he/she concurs with our RE’s opinion, though, we’ll be having more discussions.

Bottom line is this: I’m still teasing it out, but I seem to have a serious problem with the idea of conceiving with more invasive reproductive procedures. I’ll need to do more writing and thinking before I can coherently say why I don’t want to go down this route. I have an inkling that it has more to do with deeply ingrained cultural expectations and beliefs about what my body should be able to do rather than anything grounded in science or logic. (It’s definitely not an ethical or religious objection — I was bitchy last post, but I mean it when I say that family building is a deeply personal thing, and I am thrilled whenever a couple is able to have the children they so want. I just don’t know if another couple’s way of building a family is going to be for us.)

In the meantime, I’m dealing with a little something else in the medical realm: pityriasis rosea (Google it at home). This lovely rash has unknown causes (what is it with me and unknown causes?), is generally harmless, and will go away on its own in six to eight weeks. But it’s horribly itchy and very ugly. The herald patch appeared on my stomach probably around late February (I had no idea what it was); just last Thursday I had the follow-up outbreak of smaller patches on my chest, stomach, arms, and thighs that are driving me to distraction. I will note that it’s apparently dangerous to pregnant women, causing miscarriages and premature deliveries. I posited to my husband that perhaps I was pregnant last week and the rash caused me to miscarry given that I didn’t spot and wasn’t on progesterone. After a beat, he very seriously told me it was possible. I’m not entertaining the thought since it’s a stupid one (the wasted HPT on Friday was stark white), but this rash needs to go away just in case Lady Luck graces us with her presence in the near future. Having cycle 14 off gives us a bit more time for this to clear up, too.

I hope to get back to posts that aren’t focused on TTC. Let’s be honest: you’re tired of it. I’m tired of it. I’d much rather be talking about writing, running, or reading (if I actually put any effort into reading these days, that is).

Pausing Before Choosing a Path

An RE update. The husband and I have talked and will talk some more, but I feel like I need to write it down somewhere.

Official diagnosis: unexplained infertility. I hate how “unexplained” is presented as positive (see! at least we didn’t tell you the government/aliens harvested your ova for genetic experiments!) when it just means that medical science can’t yet detect what’s wrong. But really, my TTC Writer diagnosis: old and biology’s just doing its thing. I don’t feel we’re infertile; I feel I’m just very late to a party that’s wrapping up and I won’t even get to take home a leftover slice of cake.

Admittedly: That would suck. Via x-files.wikia.com.

The only numbers we went over in detail were my husband’s sperm’s morphology, which came in a couple of percentage points below where they wanted them to be. However, given the volume he’s carrying around, the doctor wasn’t convinced that there’s even a male factor involved. Too old for this shit, I thought once more.

An IUI is the recommended next step. I’m really struggling with that. I thought I was open to the idea of an IUI (I already know I’m not open to the idea of IVF). Reality seems to be that I don’t know if ART is for me. It seems healthier, for me (and please, please remember if you’ve done any ART — these are my thoughts for me, not you; I’m not concerned with what path you take to parenthood as it has nothing to do with me [see what I did there?]), that I let nature do what it’s going to do. I know you can take that to its ridiculous, logical extreme (treatment of other diseases). But there it is. I don’t know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have a kid and I think that says something.

Like I said, we still need to talk. All options are on the table, including deciding that we’re going to remain child free. I waver back and forth between being okay with not conceiving naturally and being adamantly opposed to contradicting what biology is saying what will be (or when it will be). This is still new for me, and I’m feeling a little raw after this cycle punking me —I may backpedal on my feelings on this, of course. I’m giving myself the weekend to mull this over in a dark manner before I explore all options with an open mind (I need to do this before I can truly engage with this reality).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lose myself in Sephora shopping.

It Was Okay to Hope

You know what my body did this time?

It didn’t spot until 13DPO (today).

I’m pretty sure cycle #14 will begin today or tomorrow.

I’m trying to see this in a positive light — after all, for a long time I’d been frustrated that I didn’t even have the semblance of hope. This time, I had it in spades. I’ve long been convinced that I wouldn’t spot if I were pregnant so … I was hoping I was pregnant. I came very close to testing this morning, but decided to hold out until the test date recommended by Fertility Friend. I didn’t get to it, but I got close.

I was thinking that the number 13 was going to be my lucky number (or my child was going to be the Anti-Christ): My thirteenth cycle, which started on February 13. I was thinking that I could perhaps test tonight, at 13DPO, on March 13. Instead, I felt stupid for having put so much stock in that little numbers game.

After all, a number is just a number.

Seeing that spotting on the tissue this morning was unsettling. It shook the foundation that I’d built my hopes on—no spotting must mean I’m pregnant. I know you can’t take anything for granted when it comes to the TTC game, but my body had followed such a pattern that this deviation had to mean something. It was even done without the help of progesterone! And it might be a good outcome — my body’s getting with the program, maybe — but it’s not the good outcome I really wanted.

At first I was angry. Very, very angry. Why did I let myself hope? Wouldn’t it have been better to spot at 10DPO so at least tonight’s Paul Simon concert wouldn’t be ruined by my moodiness? And goddamn it, I forgot my phone at home. Of all days! Can’t even call anyone to cry to since my walls are paper thin at work.

But then I sucked it up. I picked up the phone and called my husband. In a five-minute conversation, he had me laughing. We talked about our RE appointment tomorrow. He told me he understood why I’d hoped and that it had been completely natural. The post I’d written, which was negative and furious and full of rage, was erased to make way for this one.

So maybe the early spotting’s gone — if so, one less thing to worry about. Our RE appointment tomorrow gives us a plan. I also get to have a few drinks tonight and will be able to have a drink with my coworkers in a few weeks on our conference travel. Given that travel, cycle 14 will be a break, but that’s good since it gives me a chance to see what happens without expectations. And finally, pushing me closer to a 2015 due date is better — it means more time at this job, settling in, becoming a valuable part of the team. In the end, nothing’s gained, but nothing tremendous has been lost, either.

And it was okay to hope.

Random Things and Stuff that Have Made Me Happy

This will be a somewhat materialistic post. Why? Because I love things and stuff. Things and stuff can make me happy. And while I do love the everyday moments that life offers from the people and world around you, today is about things and stuff that make me happy.

Why?

Because I love things and stuff.

Finally setting up my 401(k) at work. Though I did laugh out loud when my financial consultant asked me when I’d like to retire. “Well …” We then went through convoluted calculations to arrive at the percentage I needed to sign up for in order to max out my account at year’s end. I’m sure this will make us happy, happy in 2015 because we’re more than likely in a new tax bracket this year. I think we’ll suffer for it; I didn’t set up a retirement account at my last job, but for that I am glad: the last thing I need is to be working with a friend of old boss’, trying to get my money. I also managed to transfer my old 401(k) accounts from D.C. Job #1 and D.C. Job #2 into one account. Combined with the husband’s accounts, we have a nice little nest egg going.

Bike to Work Day 2014. Via biketoworkmetrodc.org.

Signing up for Bike to Work Day 2014: While I hope to be biking to work in a regular fashion well before May 16, I’m excited to be participating this year. I was a little slow on the draw last year (still didn’t have my bike), but promised myself I would participate in 2014. I signed up as soon as I got the email because, damn it, I love my bike. I’d also love to go to the spring maintenance workshop being hosted by Women & Bicycles, but alas, it’s all the way in Virginia. (That’s my one quibble with W&B and WABA — nearly everything is in downtown D.C. or NOVA. MD bikers have feelings, too!)

Tales Our Abuelitas Told by Alma Flor Ada. Via almaflorada.com.

Buying a book of folktales for my future kid(s): Not just any folktales, these puppies are translations of tales from Latin America and Spain. Long story short, my friend’s baby shower hosts asked us to help build up her daughter’s library with our favorite children’s book. I honestly don’t have any — I grew up listening to rhymes and folktales that my parents told us (they read Little Golden Books to us, but compared to the stories they told, these weren’t very memorable). In searching for nursery rhyme translations (found!), I stumbled across Alma Flor Ada’s Tales Our Abuelitas Told. I bought a copy for my kid. Why not? (I want to buy everything by Alma Flor Ada now.)

Optic Dots Sweater from Ann Taylor. Via anntaylor.com.

Wearing this Ann Taylor sweater: I saw this sweater in an Ann Taylor shop window and promptly purchased it. “I must have it,” I said to my husband, who squinted at the window, shrugged, then never thought about it again. I was, alas, convinced that it didn’t look so hot on me. But whenever I wear it, I get compliments like whoa, so I’m going to guess it looks nice and looks nice on me. Also, it’s just really pretty. I’m into polka dots all of a sudden and am now searching for a polka dot iPhone case. My polka dots dress from Soma? So very cute and comfortable. (If you’re ever looking for breathable, comfortable, stylist dresses, Soma is your place. You’ll feel like you’re in your pajamas all day. Wait. How did this paragraph turn into a paragraph about Soma?)

GLAMGLOW SUPERMUD™ CLEARING TREATMENT. Via sephora.com

Using GLAMGLOW SUPERMUD™ CLEARING TREATMENT: I’m not a beauty-products maven by any stretch of the imagination (I don’t use makeup). But this stuff is awesome. Not only does the green goo drying on my face freak out my husband (heh), but my skin is incredibly soft and glowing after using it. Combined with a new face moisturizer (Korres, recommended by a friend), my skin has been quite content lately. (Not that it usually isn’t, but my Aveeno Positively Ageless was just not cutting it anymore [to my great sadness].)

Uinta HooDoo Kölsch Style Ale. Via uintabrewing.com.

Uinta HooDoo Kölsch Style Ale: Um, where has this beer been all of my life? My husband and I pay probably too much for it, but it’s so worth it. Very refreshing … and you’ve got to love a beer named “hoodoo.”

Thus concludes things and stuff!

The Obligatory TTC Update

Last week was a fertility week. I’m pretty sure I ovulated on Friday morning — during an 11am meeting, I sat there in pain, husband at work downtown. We also had evening plans that we were not going to cancel, so we did a Saturday morning post-ovulation session. Our timing this month wasn’t great, but you know what I say to that?

Whatever.

My husband is a bit bummed out, though — he was thrilled with the wonders of progesterone last cycle, so he’s anxious that he might’ve gotten me in the family way and my body won’t be able to sustain it. I’m all, welcome to my world for 11 months, buddy! But kidding aside, I told him that, technically, I fall within a normal range and that theoretically a blastocyst would signal my body to keep on keeping on with the progesterone. That cheered him up a bit. If we were to get a positive, I’d contact my doctor or the RE and beg for that stuff, just to be on the safe side.

But to be honest, I’ve been in such a good mood the past two months that it’s hard to get really anxious. As a result, stress has lessened, I have a lot of energy to devote to other thoughts and activities, and sex — even procreative sex — has become a lot more fun than it used to be. In odd moments, I find myself thinking, “Hmm, might be a good thing if this didn’t happen until May or June or so … at least then I’d have been here a year before going on mat leave.” Because I want to do well here and I want to stay here.

Of course, I know it’ll happen when it happens. From what I’ve seen at work, my org is supportive of pregnant women. But I confess those thoughts creep in.

That said, we have our follow-up appointment with the RE next week and I’m just not sure what to expect. All of our numbers came back fine. Other than possibly doing Day 21 testing to see how my progesterone levels truly are, I’m not sure I can think of what’s next. They might tell us to try for a few more months before moving onto medicated cycles. They may start me on just progesterone, or up the ante with other medications. They may recommend an IUI (though I find that unlikely).

“They may,” my husband says with trepidation, “tell me to stop drinking beer!”

(I now know there are two ways to strike fear into a man’s heart: deny him sexual release and deny him alcohol. He will quake with genuine terror.)

Overall, though, while we’re still trying to make Baby Writer, things have been much better in regards to TTC. I don’t deny that can change — who knows what steps we’ll have to take to greet him/her/them (twins would be fine — at this point, we’re fine with a package deal)? But for now, we’ve reached a level of calm. One is that I’ve opened up and am sharing more with my husband and other people in my life. Another is that we have many other things going on that are bringing us good cheer. In other words, I’ve stopped turning inward and being so narrow and allowing myself to live, damn it, live!

There’s still a lot of uncertainty, but I’ve found it easier to let it go. Not letting it go meant that I got to make myself miserable every month.

There wasn’t much fun in that.

Don’t Be Coy, Spring

Another snowfall, another snow day. You’ve got to love intensely dislike this winter.

I love me a good snow day. Yesterday’s was wonderfully relaxing, but I have to admit: I’m longing for spring in the worst way. I’m tired of being cold, tired of having to have my pants dry cleaned frequently (thanks, salt, sleet, and slush), tired of slip-sliding all over the sidewalks. Can it just warm up already, please? Can it just be Cherry Blossom time (for the race, not the tourists)?

(As someone from the Midwest, I know it could be worse. I know they have it worse this year [and every year]. But hell, I need this winter to skedaddle.)

Not that it’s impeded me too much. True, I’m a biking wimp, so my poor Fuji hasn’t seen the light of day in a while. But I’m still doing my long runs outside and walking 99 percent of the time. My speed work, alas, has to be done on the treadmill (I can’t make it to the track workouts as I have downtown appointments those afternoons), but I’m enjoying it (when I’m not gasping for dear life, that is).

But with March, hope for spring springs eternal! (See what I did there?) This month should be interesting with 1) a follow-up visit to the RE, 2) the Paul Simon (and Sting) concert, and 3) a trip out West for a work conference. (You may surmise that I’m more excited about 2) and 3) over 1); you would be correct.) My long runs will continue as I ramp up for Cherry Blossom. I hope things thaw out enough that I can bike in a couple of times per week (after some routine maintenance on the bike, of course). With the time change, some runs home may be in order. I’ll also be going to a baby shower this month — you may think this would be painful for me, but it’s an experience I haven’t gone through, so I’m willing to tough it out for my friend (helps that I don’t feel particularly jealous about her pregnancy, I think). Frankly, I’m looking forward to having some pizza and cake that day.

I’m also supposed to start going back to my book club at the end of the month, but I’m feeling ambivalent about that — my current reading is related to my work and I’m not feeling the group as a whole anymore. I have to make the decision soon, I guess. For chatty times, though, I rather like my running group.

Spring as a whole will be busy. Both my parents and youngest brother are visiting. We might get a drop-in visit from one of the husband’s cousins, whom I like. Both of us have travel and both of us have deadlines in the April/March timeline. With May comes the Broad Street 10, my birthday (36, y’all), and other events. The next few months will be busy, busy, and I’m looking forward to it all.

So be over already, winter. You’ve made your point: you’re a bad ass. Time to let spring take the stage.