You know what my body did this time?
It didn’t spot until 13DPO (today).
I’m pretty sure cycle #14 will begin today or tomorrow.
I’m trying to see this in a positive light — after all, for a long time I’d been frustrated that I didn’t even have the semblance of hope. This time, I had it in spades. I’ve long been convinced that I wouldn’t spot if I were pregnant so … I was hoping I was pregnant. I came very close to testing this morning, but decided to hold out until the test date recommended by Fertility Friend. I didn’t get to it, but I got close.
I was thinking that the number 13 was going to be my lucky number (or my child was going to be the Anti-Christ): My thirteenth cycle, which started on February 13. I was thinking that I could perhaps test tonight, at 13DPO, on March 13. Instead, I felt stupid for having put so much stock in that little numbers game.
After all, a number is just a number.
Seeing that spotting on the tissue this morning was unsettling. It shook the foundation that I’d built my hopes on—no spotting must mean I’m pregnant. I know you can’t take anything for granted when it comes to the TTC game, but my body had followed such a pattern that this deviation had to mean something. It was even done without the help of progesterone! And it might be a good outcome — my body’s getting with the program, maybe — but it’s not the good outcome I really wanted.
At first I was angry. Very, very angry. Why did I let myself hope? Wouldn’t it have been better to spot at 10DPO so at least tonight’s Paul Simon concert wouldn’t be ruined by my moodiness? And goddamn it, I forgot my phone at home. Of all days! Can’t even call anyone to cry to since my walls are paper thin at work.
But then I sucked it up. I picked up the phone and called my husband. In a five-minute conversation, he had me laughing. We talked about our RE appointment tomorrow. He told me he understood why I’d hoped and that it had been completely natural. The post I’d written, which was negative and furious and full of rage, was erased to make way for this one.
So maybe the early spotting’s gone — if so, one less thing to worry about. Our RE appointment tomorrow gives us a plan. I also get to have a few drinks tonight and will be able to have a drink with my coworkers in a few weeks on our conference travel. Given that travel, cycle 14 will be a break, but that’s good since it gives me a chance to see what happens without expectations. And finally, pushing me closer to a 2015 due date is better — it means more time at this job, settling in, becoming a valuable part of the team. In the end, nothing’s gained, but nothing tremendous has been lost, either.
And it was okay to hope.