An RE update. The husband and I have talked and will talk some more, but I feel like I need to write it down somewhere.
Official diagnosis: unexplained infertility. I hate how “unexplained” is presented as positive (see! at least we didn’t tell you the government/aliens harvested your ova for genetic experiments!) when it just means that medical science can’t yet detect what’s wrong. But really, my TTC Writer diagnosis: old and biology’s just doing its thing. I don’t feel we’re infertile; I feel I’m just very late to a party that’s wrapping up and I won’t even get to take home a leftover slice of cake.
The only numbers we went over in detail were my husband’s sperm’s morphology, which came in a couple of percentage points below where they wanted them to be. However, given the volume he’s carrying around, the doctor wasn’t convinced that there’s even a male factor involved. Too old for this shit, I thought once more.
An IUI is the recommended next step. I’m really struggling with that. I thought I was open to the idea of an IUI (I already know I’m not open to the idea of IVF). Reality seems to be that I don’t know if ART is for me. It seems healthier, for me (and please, please remember if you’ve done any ART — these are my thoughts for me, not you; I’m not concerned with what path you take to parenthood as it has nothing to do with me [see what I did there?]), that I let nature do what it’s going to do. I know you can take that to its ridiculous, logical extreme (treatment of other diseases). But there it is. I don’t know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have a kid and I think that says something.
Like I said, we still need to talk. All options are on the table, including deciding that we’re going to remain child free. I waver back and forth between being okay with not conceiving naturally and being adamantly opposed to contradicting what biology is saying what will be (or when it will be). This is still new for me, and I’m feeling a little raw after this cycle punking me —I may backpedal on my feelings on this, of course. I’m giving myself the weekend to mull this over in a dark manner before I explore all options with an open mind (I need to do this before I can truly engage with this reality).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lose myself in Sephora shopping.