Earlier in the day, I posted the below on what to do about a text my dad had sent about caffeine and fertility. I ended up trashing it shortly afterward because I figured out what I would do quite quickly – ignore the text and then, on the phone, gently tell my dad that I need his support, not his advice.
I had also posted the message on a Facebook group I’m a part of. And honestly, the first responses were along these lines and annoyed the hell out of me:
“Say thanks for the heads up and leave it alone.”
And … I just can’t do this. Like I said in later posts on the status, I don’t want to be combative about it, but if I’m going to talk with my family about this, they have to know what’s helpful and what’s not. Have to. Because if they don’t, I’ll start to close up and lose my support system. And down that path means miserable, lonely TTC Writer once more.
I just can’t imagine grinning and bearing it in this instance. After 15 cycles, of course my husband and I have considered everything and are doing what we think is best on our path toward parenthood. The unsolicited advice to people having trouble? It assumes we haven’t thought of these things.
It’s been 15 cycles. For some months, I’ve thought of nothing but.
However, what annoyed me more about that approach was that it chooses to forgo honest communication in favor of keeping the peace. And it chooses to have me bear the burden of hearing these advice and tips, which are absolutely hurtful on top of what I’m already experiencing.
I know my father means well. But it’s so painful to hear, even in a supposedly helpful way, that I’m doing something that makes me unable to conceive. If I would only do X, then XY (or XX!) would happen.
But it doesn’t work that way. If bad habits really were the ultimate drivers of our fertility, the human race would’ve been kaput a looooong time ago.
So I know I have to say something.
Original post on the blog:
How would you respond to this text from your dad:
“Just to ask you if you know that caffeine could affect fertility? I read that on CNN Health.”
My dad is sweet and I love him to pieces and I know he’s just trying to help.
We’ve been trying for 15 cycles. Of COURSE I’ve read everything there is to read about infertility. I gave up caffeine for half a year until I decided TTC was a bullshit crap shoot. And I’m not going to take medical advice from CNN Health.
I don’t want to be a bitch. How would you respond? This is the second time he’s done this, too; first time it was about getting my thyroid checked.
(And here I thought my mom would be the impossible one once she found out we were trying.)