Tuesday night as we drifted off to sleep, the husband asked when I was ovulating. The question took me by surprise; I was nearly snoozing at that point. I had to stop, clear my head, and then give him the dates. His response was “Excellent. We’ll make it happen.”
Internally, my response was “No, we won’t.”
As opposed to last cycle, when I just didn’t give a crap until the very end, I’m feeling very pessimistic about this cycle. Part of me doesn’t even want to try. What for? To be a mopey mess, disappointed as all get-out, and then get to witness another pregnancy announcement from a friend? No gracias.
Another part of me says that it’s best to wait, anyway. See how this job stuff pans out (did I tell you I have a phone interview with another place on Friday?) and, once I’m settled, dive back into TTC. May as well be happy in my job and satisfied with my career first before I try to bring a kid into this world. At this point, I seriously doubt I’m going to have a kid in 2014 (yep, I’m in heavy naysayer mode). May as well spend it trying to be the best writer I can be.
It doesn’t help that I suspect, and have long suspected, that there’s a problem. My cycles may be regular, but my actual periods are short and light. Even though I spotted less last cycle, the 10DPO drop-off point is still worrying. I feel like even if sperm met egg, it wouldn’t stick given that there’s barely enough time. These are all stupid assumptions of course, and if I don’t conceive by January we’ll be headed to an RE for actual answers. It’s just hard to not feel like a failure at times when everyone else makes it seem so easy (I know it may not have been, but if I do get pregnant, I plan to say how much TTC sucks along with any announcement because I feel like it’d be nice to not give the impression that I’m a fecund earth mother).
Part of the reason that the husband feels so confident is that this is the time of year when most of the people in both our families were conceived. There are so few spring babies—August through November has a rash of people with birthdays on both sides of the family divide. I personally don’t believe it makes a difference, but I worry he’s going to put a lot of stock in this month in particular.
And of course, because we’re us, we will time everything just right. And come the week before Thanksgiving, I’ll probably be weeping bitterly into my Corn Pops that it didn’t work again. And then, yay, right before Christmas I’ll get another blow, with the New Year bringing my last O date before a visit to the RE. Perfecto!
So sorry for the woe-is-me mode. I know it’s unbecoming and completely unreasonable.
I just never it expected it to be this hard or to care so much.